While the war in Iraq has been very bad news for Saddam Hussein and the loyal members of his regime, one of them has landed a plum job at premiership outfit Aston Villa due to his high profile appearances on television. Mohammed Saeed Al- Sahhaf, the Minister of information is due to take up his role as soon as the current conflict ends, speaking to our reporter earlier today the minister said, "The call from Villa came out of the blue, Mr Ellis contacted me personally and said I was just the man to tell it like it is at Aston Villa", he continued " He told me how impressed he'd been with my performances on television and how he could hardly believe anyone else existed who held the truth in the same high regard as himself. I must admit to being in awe of Mr Ellis having watched his wonderful expression of the truth so many times on Television in the past and have modelled my recent performances on those of Mr Ellis.

He further added "Mr Ellis also expressed his sadness at the demise of my colleague Ali Hassan Al-Majid, with who he very much would have liked to discuss protest management techniques. " he then added " as soon as we have won this war I will be able to take up my position, but for now I'd like to express my delight at Aston Villa's 4-0 defeat of Arsenal at the weekend, the way we crushed them was magnificent and I would like to take the opportunity to assure Villa supporters that we will take next seasons European champions league campaign seriously, just as much as our defense of the league championship and both cups.

I will be able to offer some assistance with the acquirement of the quality players we will need to supplement our strong squad of world class internationals, as current world champions having won the last 3 world cups it is widely recognised the best players in the world come from my country, My contacts in Iraq will be enable me to bring in many of the current Iraq national squad and Mr Ellis assures me he will be able to get them into Britain as asylum seekers and this will have the added benefit of subsidising their top class wages with the state benefits they will be able to claim."

When asked to comment Mr Ellis said "this is a fantastic day for Aston Villa, no longer will we have to put up with the nonsense and half truths from the man on the terraces as we have had to in the past. The truth about Aston Villa can finally be told with the sincerity and integrity the fans deserve

"The under-17s are doing very well. You get bunches of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison" - KEVIN KEEGAN on the Manchester City official website.

"I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side and the team which had the most runs won. It was that sort of football" - SIR BOBBY ROBSON.

"Not many teams will come to Arsenal and get anything, home or away" - KEV.

"Football never surprises you and it never sometimes demoralises you" - SIR BOBBY.

"Shaun Wright-Phillips has got a big heart. It's as big as him, which isn't very big, but it's bigger" - KEV.

"There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game they lose" - BOBBY.

"We haven't got the distraction of the Champions League or the European Cup like some teams have" - KEV.

"If we start counting our chickens before they hatch they won't lay any eggs in the basket" - BOBBY ROBSON.

"I think the league table is a pretty good barometer of how you are doing"-KEV.

"Both teams - and Brazil even - got better on their way to the World Cup final" - SIR BOBBY.

"Nicolas Anelka left Arsenal for £23 million and they built a training ground on him" - KEV.

"Jermaine Jenas is a fit lad. He gets from box to box in all of 90 minutes" - BOBBY ROBSON.

"If you put a template for the ideal striker into a computer, like they do with cars, and it then sends out the perfect aerodynamic hatchback, it would come out with Thierry Henry and Nicolas Anelka" - KEV.

"We don't want our players to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level." - SIR BOBBY ROBSON.

"As far as I'm concerned, Danny Tiatto doesn't exist" - KEV.

"Sarajevo isn't Hawaii" - SIR BOBBY ROBSON.

Only At The Boro

Being a Boro fan, one thing you can't complain about is life being dull down by the Riverside. Barely a day goes by without a story about how bad the North East weather is, or how players wives are unsettled. Although these "stories" are usually completely untrue and annoying, occasionally, you can't help but see the funny side.

Here are a selection of funny quotes found on various websites and newspapers.

I will be adding to this list as the season continues. It looks like being another interesting campaign and I wouldn't be suprised if we have more high profile arrivals, departures, court cases, points deducted, cup finals or relegations before the season is out so keep your eyes peeled !!

Boksic in shock "I love it here" revelation

Alen Boksic has revealed he quit international football so that he could concentrate on Boro's bid to stay in the Premiership.

The former Croatia star made the surprise decision to hang up his international boots in November, at the age of just 31. And Boro's big summer signing has broken his silence on the reasons behind that announcement, by declaring he wants to focus on bringing success to his new club.

"I told myself 'Alen, you must listen to your body - you don't need so many matches'," said the former Lazio star, who scored nine times in 33 games for his country. "And so I decided to concentrate on Middlesbrough. I love it here, and I want to play here."

Sander Westerveld's excuse for his boxing day blunder.

Liverpool goalkeeper Sander Westerveld has come up with an excuse for his Riverside blunder that handed struggling Middlesbrough a 1-0 Boxing Day win.

"The pitch at the Riverside had a lot of ice on it," said Westerveld. "My feet and gloves were soaking and it was unbelievably cold. You'd see the ball with ice stuck to it."

Hamilton Ricard, after being substituted with only half an hour gone against Ipswich

As he boarded the team coach after Saturday's Portman Road defeat, the Colombian striker told reporters:
"We play, we lose. Hamil come off, Hamil no score. No happy here."

Christian Karembeu, when asked about life at Middlesbrough

"Here, life is nice." said the Frenchman. "We have very beautiful landscapes and beautiful fish. I came from Genes on Ligure coast to Madrid, international megalopolis and then to Middlesbrough. I am like Captain Cook.

Bryan Robson speaks to reporters about Terry Venables

I don't know what is happening. I don't have a clue. All of this is a surprise to me.

Bryan Robsons explains why Alen Boksic's injury took four weeks longer than expected to heal.

"We thought he would be back quicker," said Robson. "But there is a slight misunderstanding about the injury because of language difficulties."